Articles:
Death and Grief

QUESTION: Is there a need for people to face and talk about death and dying? How are Pastoral Counselors responding to this need?

Clergy of all faiths play a large role in care for the dying, and in support of the partners, families and friends supporting the dying person. All religious traditions have important traditions, sacred memorials, funerals and offices for the bereaved.

In this sense, spiritual traditions help place the dying person within a sacred context, within which they bring meaning and purpose to their life and to their death. It is not easy, but clearly you have “to come to your own terms” in order for death “to be on your own terms.”

To live our life “in the light of death” challenges everyone to develop these “terms,” terms that have meaning for us while we are living, as we are dying, and on behalf of those we leave behind.

These “terms” might be thought of as the simple daily stories by which we have shaped and lived our life; stories by which people will remember us in the family, community and in tree of life. They include the "terminal" quality in the preparations for the end of life.

Jewish faith communities have brought back a wonderful tradition spoken about by Rabbi Shimka Weintraub at the Jewish Center for Healing in New York City. The dying person creates a Moral Will, their description of the qualities and characteristics of life’s meanings, to be left to the succeeding generations of family, friends and community. Such a re-focus on meaning in dying is welcome, and indeed overdue in our crassly materialistic world.     

QUESTION: Is there a way of thinking about death that all religious people believe?

Different faith traditions have very diverse ways of thinking about death. People are remembered, and live on in the contexts of these diverse faiths. Life after death remains a mystery as well as an important dimension of many faiths. Virtually every religion seeks to make accommodation for the awesome character of the eventual void of death, of this “nothing.” It is a profound event. Faith rules the heart in these matters.

One common thread in many religions is that human beings love to share stories as memorials to our ancestors. Such sacred stories are told and retold about this or that dimension of life. In these stories, even small events can be quite significant.

QUESTION: What do you mean by “sacred story?”

All of us have a story about ourselves, about the people we love, about the people we hate. One of life’s most important tasks is allowing our own story to be told fully. These stories become sacred in the telling and retelling, and in the remembering. Judeo-Christian scripture is an example: the story of the people of Israel and the story of Jesus Christ are two sacred stories telling of the acts of God in the world, in relationship with a covenant people.

Telling one’s own sacred story is not easy; but it is important. Sometimes the story we need to tell is not nice, not caring, not loving. We may have mean and resentful stories to tell about people, relatives or acquaintances. When parents have been abusive to children, harsh vengeful feelings are living in these relationships, and at the end of life they can become vicious. Sometimes we speak harshly, even wish for death to come early and quick to specific people we have loved and by whom we feel betrayed.

It is important to allow even these resentments to be spoken in a confidential setting with a trusted person, so they can be faced and understood, not acted out in damaging expressions. A Pastoral Counselor can be such a trusted person.     

QUESTION: When does a person need to begin this “story telling?”

Today! It is essential to find ways to begin while we are living here and now; even more so when we are dying. And it is never too late.

Of course, the other half of “story telling” is for someone to listen to your story, empathically and respectfully, honoring your unique journey.

When we are ready to tell our story, we may not be sure that anyone actually cares to listen. Listening takes active presence, curiosity, empathy and openness to hear what is being said and what it means to the person dying. Pastoral Counselors can be thought of as sacred listeners.     

QUESTION: Do people with terminal illnesses still benefit from therapy?

Absolutely. Persons who are dying are encouraged to come to a Pastoral Counselor to connect with care at this very important time. It’s important to face death with someone who will not avoid facing its reality or substitute rescue fantasies. Everyone needs someone who will listen.

When there is time, each of us wants even in dying to be heard, and this means finding ways to speak about our experience with someone with whom we can unpack the whole story, the anger, the resentment, the difficulty in losing all the “things” that have defined a life: work, possessions, money, relationships. Not everyone has someone with whom to work it out.     

QUESTION: Is it difficult for sacred listeners to hear a dying person’s story?

When I work with a person facing death, I find my role filled to overflowing with grace as I sit with this person, to listen deeply to the story unfolding at the end of life, to listen and listen, even when there is an end in sight, and into that ending when it happens.

Pastoral Counselors are people too, with many of the same existential dilemmas we all face. Working with the dying often presses us into facing our own death, within the context of the other’s death. But Pastoral Counselors, as professionals, know how to access help for themselves. The best clinicians are in supervisory relationships in which they can talk about their own emotional responses.

It is generally only in the safety of a confidential, trusted relationship that one can voice the fullest depth of feelings, face them and then “come to terms” with life as well as death.

Would you like to speak confidentially to a spiritually trained psychotherapist or counselor? If you live or work in or near the New York City metropolitan area, click here to make an appointment.